How Much Should You Talk About Your Ex in a New Relationship?

Most of us have been with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse when an ex-flame’s name is mentioned. While a little past information is often welcomed, some people don’t know when to stop talking about their old relationships.

Knowing When to Stop

“I don’t have much patience for guys who can’t stop talking about what horrible things old girlfriends did to them,” says Katie, a 25-year-old chemist from Orange. “Once I get the point, I don’t want them to continue.”

Katie also dislikes constant praise of an ex. “Although it’s always nicer when a new boyfriend talks positively about an ex, I don’t think anyone should glorify a former partner,” she says. “It just makes me feel bad. I also wonder, if things were so wonderful, why did they break up?”

She believes in sharing only the essentials. “I say just enough to a current boyfriend to let him know what I didn’t like about a past relationship and what went wrong, so hopefully we won’t repeat the same mistakes. Then I shut up, and I expect him to do the same.”

Why the Past Keeps Coming Up

According to Saeed Soltani, a Santa Ana psychologist who often performs couple therapy:

• “If a person is continually bringing up a past relationship, he or she hasn’t resolved past issues and those issues are contaminating the current relationship.”
• “Using comparisons to an ex is destructive. For example, saying ‘You’re acting just like my ex-husband’ drives a wedge between partners.”
• “Bringing up past partners to provoke jealousy is also unhealthy.”
• “However, discussing past situations that involved an ex can be appropriate, especially in the early stages of a relationship.”

“Sharing past relationships is a natural part of trying to get to know one another and can reveal valuable information,” says Soltani. “Knowing what worked and didn’t work in the past is a critical part of building a strong foundation for the new relationship.”

What Talking About an Ex Reveals

Although Katie prefers brief mentions of the past, she listens carefully. “What people say about their past relationships is much more revealing than what they say about themselves.”

She notes that how someone discusses an ex can indicate compatibility. “If he describes how something an old girlfriend did bugged him and I do the same thing, then I know we’ve got a problem.”

Setting Boundaries Through Questions

Ann, a 55-year-old Santa Ana lawyer, has her own reasons for wanting to know about a partner’s past:

• To understand where someone has been sexually.
• To gauge a man’s attitude toward women. Constantly criticizing former female partners is a red flag.

She uses open-ended, non-threatening questions. “Rather than asking why a man divorced his wife, I will ask how he met his ex-wife. That kind of question doesn’t raise any walls, but the answer can be very revealing.”

Do Men Care About the Past?

Ann has noticed that men often don’t ask about her past, though psychologist Soltani notes that men may still be curious but hide it to avoid appearing weak.

Joe, 29, a sales and marketing director from Irvine, says some women are quiet about the past. “Some women aren’t very verbal or open about the past,” he says.

He prefers honesty early in the relationship. “I think that people should be open right from the beginning, no matter what happened in past relationships. That way the person you’re with knows what he or she is dealing with and will better understand you.”

That said, he’s not a fan of too much detail. “If I really care about a woman and her ex-boyfriend was very bad to her, it just makes me angry with him and want to strike back.”

Some Want the Whole Story

Dave, 40, recently divorced and living in Huntington Beach, says, “Women will want to know every detail about my marriage and what went wrong—exactly what happened and on what dates.”

If he’s close to someone, he’s willing to share. “I not only like to know about a woman’s sexual past, I also think her emotional past is important. It tells me how she deals with relationships and if she takes responsibility.”

“Finding out why a person stayed in a marriage and what happened to the marriage is very revealing.”