“Friends and acquaintances think I’m independent, successful and don’t need anyone,” said Tara, who asked that her last name not be used. “But the truth is, I’m not that happy being alone. In the past few years I’ve found myself hoping that each person I begin dating will be The One.”
Despite her yearning for a commitment, she hasn’t found a soul mate.
Though some married people view single life as blissfully unencumbered, many without mates would give up their freedom in an instant for the ties that bind, said the late social worker and author Karen Jenkins, who lived in Orange.
In her book, “Chronically Single Women: How to Get Out of the Singles Trap” (Health Communications Inc., 1994, $9.95) Jenkins addressed the dilemma of individuals who want to be in a committed relationship but find themselves persistently and repeatedly alone.
“Some chronically single people haven’t been on a date in years, while others date frequently but are unable to sustain a relationship,” Jenkins said in an interview before her death in March. “Being chronically single affects women and men of all ages about equally and can be a very lonely life.”There are a variety of reasons why people remain single despite a desire for an enduring relationship, said Mission Viejo psychologist Cathearine Jenkins-Hall.
“On average, people are better at shopping for a new pair of shoes than they are at finding a mate,” she says. “When it comes to a partner, many people have no idea what they want and don’t realize that relationships involve compromise. Instead they look for this vague wonderfulness that doesn’t exist.”
Jenkins-Hall also believes that some people think they want a relationship but in reality may not be ready for the commitment.
“In many ways, marriage is like being a millionaire,” she said. “Most of us want to be wealthy with all the glamour and excitement we imagine it will give us, but do we really want the hidden responsibilities attached to caring for all of that money?”
*
Another reason for being chronically single is not really knowing yourself and what you want, experts say.
After some recent introspection, Tara discovered that her unclear self-identity has something to do with her single status.
“I realized that I’m not ready for the right person yet, because I don’t know myself,” she said. “I need to be happy being single before I can find someone. I can’t expect someone else to make me happy.”
Tara can now see the barriers she put between herself and the men she dated.
“I had a whole list of what I wanted a guy to be,” she said. “If he didn’t fit the bill, I wasn’t interested. If he did have what I wanted, I’d worry I’d lose him. In the latter cases, I was so sick to my stomach with fear that I’d do a lot of expecting and projecting and scare the guy away. Now I’ve decided to accept the other person for who he is.”
*
Other people remain single because they gravitate toward people they would never marry, or continually date individuals who are preoccupied with a previous relationship.
For about nine years, Kevin, 36, found himself dating women who were going through divorces or just breaking up with longtime boyfriends.
“For many years, I was the transition guy,” said Kevin, a mechanic in Santa Ana who asked that his last name not be published. “At first the women would view me as the best thing that ever happened to them. Then after awhile they’d stop returning my phone calls. Some of them would avoid confronting me, while others would tell me they needed time on their own. While I understood and respected their decision, I got tired of hearing it.”
*A couple of years ago, Kevin swore off recently entangled women. He has continued to date other women, but none of the relationships have amounted to anything, and he is discouraged.
“People are surprised to hear that I haven’t gotten close to marriage or even lived with anyone,” he said. “I’m just as surprised as they are. I thought I would have found someone by now. I’m more than ready to settle down and have children.”
Trying to find the right someone isn’t easy, though.
“It’s a real drag to date at 36 compared to when I was in my 20s,” he said. “Older women are married or divorcing. I’ve dated younger women, and while some of them are mature, many are focusing on their careers and don’t want to be tied down yet.”
Kevin said he is lonely.
“All of my guy friends are married and many have children. Every once in awhile we’ll go out, but not too often, because they have family commitments. I rent a lot of movies.”
Lori, 40, of Westminster, also finds the single life excruciatingly solitary. In her early 20s, she came close to marriage, but since then has had a long string of bad relationships that have left her wary, disappointed and alone.
“During the week I’m fine because my work in the medical field keeps me busy and fulfilled,” she said. “But the weekends are very difficult. I’ll spend the days with friends and their children and the nights all alone with my pets. All I want is what my friends with solid marriages have–companionship. I want to experience the comfortable feeling of caring deeply for someone I’ve known for years.”
Lori has tried every possible route for finding a mate.
“I’ve done everything but put a billboard on the 405 Freeway,” she said. “I’ve taken classes at college on how to meet single people, answered personal ads and told all my friends and work associates that I’d like to meet someone.”
One of Lori’s problems is the diminishing pool of people to choose from. “Men at 40 are either very settled into their marriages or looking for a 23-year-old with whom they can go through a midlife crisis. I feel like I’ve missed the boat.”
Lori has had a variety of relationships, many of which have turned out badly and kept her out of the dating scene for awhile before trying again.
Some of the men were charming at first but then became abusive.“I dated one man for several months and things became very serious, but then I met his family and his behavior suddenly changed,” she said. “He became verbally condescending and controlling and starting seeing someone else.”
Another man began talking about marriage when they were away together one weekend only to leave a message on her machine the following Monday that he had changed his mind about everything.
*
Some chronically single people were deeply hurt by an early relationship and as a result set up barriers that prevent them from finding someone special.
Ann is a 27-year-old secretary from a Mideastern family who believes that her first painful experience with love has something to do with the 13 relationships she has had since her teens.
“My intent from the very beginning was to find one person to love and conquer the world with,” said Ann, who lives in Huntington Beach.
“When I was 12, I met a man and fell crazy in love with him. Seven years later we began dating and I thought it would lead to marriage. Instead he devastated me by marrying someone else. Since then I’ve carried around all this anger and hurt and have had one failed relationship after another.”
Ann has a hard time trusting men. “I ask tons of questions of men I begin dating that aren’t even my business. I’m just really wary of their intentions.”
Ann’s family wants her married.
“My sisters have both been married for years, and my parents and relatives are constantly pressuring me to settle down like them,” she said. “Being compared to my sisters drains me. At times I feel like forgetting about finding someone and just concentrating on being alone.”
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Diagnosing Chronic Singleness
Are you a chronically single person? You probably are if you agree with three or more of these statements, adapted from the book “Chronically Single Women: How to Get Out of the Singles Trap” by Karen Jenkins.
1. I have a hard time making or sustaining eye contact with people I’m attracted to.2. I am afraid to let a person see my interest in him or her.
3. It takes a lot of sex appeal to get a man’s or woman’s attention.
4. The idea of letting someone really know me is very frightening.
5. It is better to have a lover you wouldn’t marry than to be alone.
6. Once I nail down a commitment with someone, I can start trying to change him or her.
7. It is important that my parents approve of the person I marry.
8. Relationships require too much work.
9. I hate conflict, and I avoid it.
10. Stable people are boring.
11. People are a pain. I can’t live with them, and I can’t live without them.
12. Getting married will require giving up something important to me.
