When Fiona had an affair after 10 years of marriage, she never imagined the ramifications of her actions.
“It all seemed harmless at first,” says the 40-year-old Corona del Mar writer, who asked that her name be changed, as did others in the story. “My husband and I had been arguing a lot and weren’t as intimate as I wanted to be. The new person was really interested in me and didn’t hassle me like my husband.”
When Fiona’s husband confronted her one night, she told him the truth. The couple agreed to work out their problems, but he couldn’t contain his anger.
“Even though we needed to go our separate ways, what I regret most is my betrayal of his trust. I had been so angry at him for not being what I wanted him to be that I didn’t even consider what he would go through. He didn’t deserve to be treated that way,” she says.
Many married people and singles in committed relationships see infidelity as the ultimate betrayal, says marriage, family, child counselor Janet Whitney, who is with Coastline Counseling in Newport Beach.She has seen the aftershocks of a partner having sex outside of marriage.
“When someone has an affair, it takes the specialness away from the marriage relationship and cheapens everything,” she says. “For people who desire an honest relationship, it is difficult for them to get over the betrayal, and the relationship eventually fails.
“Others stay together, but the betrayed person will close off part of himself or herself and continue to function in the relationship on a more limited basis. Only those individuals who acknowledge they have a problem and get help can overcome what happened, yet a scar always remains,” Whitney says.
Many feel the biggest casualty of infidelity is trust. “The person who was cheated on constantly questions the other person’s honesty. Questions such as ‘Did she ever love me?’ and ‘Is he really going where he says he’s going?’ are very common, natural reactions,” Whitney says. “Individuals who had the affairs also start not trusting themselves. Many people will wonder how they could have hurt someone they loved.”
National surveys indicate that between 30% and 60% of married men and women have had an affair. “Infidelity has balanced out between men and women,” Whitney says.
While it is common for anyone in a marriage or committed relationship to have fleeting thoughts about committing adultery, many people don’t act on their fantasies, she says.
Individuals who start affairs do so for a number of reasons:
* They come from a family where infidelity is common and accepted.
* They suffer from a lack of chemistry or compatibility with their partners.
* They have trouble with commitment.
Whatever the reason, the upheaval a discovered affair causes often leads to the demise of the marriage.
Just ask Estella.
When the 40-year-old graphic designer, who lives in Tustin, met her husband-to-be, he seemed like a warm father and potentially loving husband.
After three months together, Estella was madly in love and quickly agreed to marriage. One month into the marriage, though, she began finding notes on top of his dresser about meeting women for drinks.
“When I found the notes, I confronted him, and he admitted to cheating on me, saying that he was bored and didn’t feel like we were getting along,” she says. “I had thought of him like Humphrey Bogart. He had some rough edges, but there was a lot of attraction there, so we tried to work things out. But after eight months we separated because he continued to cheat on me.”
For Estella the experience took time to get over. “The first thing I did was ask myself what I’d done wrong,” she says. “Then after awhile, I realized he was a jerk. But then I began to ask myself why I picked someone like that. I ended up going through therapy over the fact that I couldn’t trust my instincts.”
Although it happened 11 years ago, Estella feels she is still affected.“I think I’ll always be more cautious and less trusting,” she says.
With infidelity, women tend to blame themselves more often than men, says Whitney.
When Raymond’s live-in girlfriend and mother of his young son announced it was over because she was having an affair with his best friend, the 34-year-old Santa Ana teacher never considered it could be his fault.
“Things weren’t running completely smoothly, but nothing I’d done warranted that kind of drastic action,” he says.
Not only did Raymond’s girlfriend have an affair, but she thought he would stay home and watch their son while she went out. “I have no idea why she thought I would stay there while she cheated on me, but after she left, I packed up our stuff and left with my son.”
When his girlfriend returned, she called the police and Raymond returned with their son. They made arrangements for joint custody. When her new relationship didn’t work out, she asked Raymond to come back.
