The Emotional Fallout of Infidelity
When Fiona had an affair after 10 years of marriage, she never imagined the ramifications of her actions.
“It all seemed harmless at first”
“My husband and I had been arguing a lot and weren’t as intimate as I wanted to be,” says Fiona, a 40-year-old Corona del Mar writer. “The new person was really interested in me and didn’t hassle me like my husband.”
After Fiona confessed, the couple agreed to try working things out. But her husband couldn’t contain his anger. “Even though we needed to go our separate ways, what I regret most is my betrayal of his trust,” she says.
The Impact of Betrayal
Many married people and singles in committed relationships see infidelity as the ultimate betrayal, according to Janet Whitney, a marriage and family counselor at Coastline Counseling in Newport Beach.
“When someone has an affair, it takes the specialness away from the marriage relationship and cheapens everything,” says Whitney. “Only those individuals who acknowledge they have a problem and get help can overcome what happened. Yet, a scar always remains.”
The Biggest Casualty: Trust
Infidelity often results in ongoing trust issues:
- Victims may constantly question their partner’s honesty.
- Cheaters may lose confidence in themselves and wonder how they could hurt someone they loved.
Infidelity by the Numbers
National surveys indicate that 30% to 60% of married individuals have had an affair. Whitney says, “Infidelity has balanced out between men and women.”
Why People Cheat
Common reasons individuals enter into affairs include:
- Coming from a family where infidelity is normalized
- Lack of chemistry or compatibility with a partner
- Difficulty with long-term commitment
Regardless of the cause, a discovered affair often leads to a breakup.
Estella’s Story: A Short-Lived Marriage
Estella, a 40-year-old graphic designer from Tustin, thought she found her perfect match. But just one month into the marriage, she discovered notes about her husband meeting other women.
“He admitted to cheating, saying he was bored,” she says. Though she tried to salvage the relationship, they separated after eight months due to his ongoing infidelity.
Recovering and Reflecting
“The first thing I did was ask myself what I’d done wrong,” Estella recalls. “Later, I realized he was just a jerk. But then I had to ask why I picked someone like that.” She eventually sought therapy to rebuild trust in her instincts.
Although the experience happened 11 years ago, she says, “I think I’ll always be more cautious and less trusting.”
Men React Differently
Whitney notes that women tend to blame themselves more often than men following infidelity.
Raymond’s Story: Betrayed by Two People
Raymond, a 34-year-old teacher from Santa Ana, was shocked when his live-in girlfriend and mother of their son announced she was leaving him for his best friend.
“Nothing I’d done warranted that kind of drastic action,” he says. He packed up and left with their son. When she returned and called the police, Raymond complied and returned with the child. They later arranged joint custody.
After her new relationship failed, she asked him to come back—but the damage had already been done.
